24 HOURS IN EAST AFRICA

It all started with a phone call from Wilco: “Soutie- we need you to buy us a case of Konyagi and plenty bitter lemon.” My first question to myself was- what the hell is Konyagi and why do we need so much? After asking around a bit I find out that it is a local Gin -35% that you can buy in a 500ml bottle and costs about 5000 Tanzanian shillings, which if you convert works out to be about R25. 

So my truck is packed with a case of Konyagi, bitter lemon and all sorts of other goodies, oh yes and a few F.T’s and I set off from Arusha- the weather is so KAK that my little F.T’s are complaining that they can’t see Kilimanjaro etc, the norm from your average tourist when the weather is kak. It is quite a short drive from Arusha to Ngorongoro crater but it is a lekker one with plenty Maasai riding their bicycles holding their sticks and talking on their cell phones- remember this is supposed to be deepest darkest Africa but cell phones have become a part of the culture with a cell phone pouch next to their Maasai knives on the belt- I found that quite funny.

 After heading up the ‘escarpment’ looking at the very beautiful Lake Manyara we hit the gate to the park. Me as the new guy doing it blind arrived way too early and had to ‘hang ball’ for over an hour so that I could get my permit- at the same time I am so excited to get to camp to find out what this dam Konyagi tastes like…  So Simba camp for the folks, who have not been there, is awesome! It is in the crater rim overlooking the Ngorongoro- literally takes your breath away because it is so beautiful but mostly because as soon as you step out of the truck you kak in your pants because it feels like being in the drakensberg in July!! 

The Konyagi makes sense now just to stay warm. After a couple of minutes I hear in the background the unmistakable characteristic sound that a Drifters bull bar makes when it even smells a kak road- we all know that sound so well. All of a sudden Simba campsite turned into what looks like a Monday morning at the workshop when you have three trucks signing in, plenty tents all over the place chairs scattered and three guides who haven’t seen each other in a long time.  Wilco who was now wearing his lovely wife beater edenvale vest, bare foot and as dirty as a township dog obviously cannot feel the cold because he has too much boerewors in his DNA- just kidding… and Tina who always seems to have a touch of class driving a 15 ton truck wearing her fashionable ‘snow slippers/boots’ and denim shorts. Me being the only ‘soutpiel’ probably looked like an idiot with long pants and a fleece- maybe I should eat more boerewors…

 After entertaining all of the standard F.T questions and getting dinner on the way, we finally tuck into the first bottle of Konyagi in true Peter Woolfe style by biting the hell out of the lid …it is fantastic, almost comparable to a first experience with Tippo Tinto Rum. This boded well for the rest of the evening. To help with the semi arctic weather up there we put ‘burning fossil fuels for fun’ to good use as we had the biggest fire I have seen on a Drifters tour, fantastic fire fantastic people great Konyagi, what more would you want- truly the best job in the world at times like this. After all of the formalities like feeding the F.T’s, doing briefings and making small talk with F.T #1 about the Autobahn for the 100^th time- most people had gone to bed finally!!! As most of you know, this becomes the best part of the day but for soutpiel, Tina and Wilco it was only the beginning. 

Well all I can really remember from the rest of the night with sheer clarity was when Wilco and I had the fantastic idea of trying to catch one of the three Bush pigs that were trying to get into my kitchen. Long story short… both soutie and Wilco lying on the ground with a few scratches and a ‘Fok Eina’ said in between that type of laughter you get when you have had plenty puza. Good times. Don’t ask me how we eventually got to bed, but we did probably just before the birds have their first piss in the morning. In true Drifters style, the kettle was hot on the fire and breakfast was out at 05h30 waking the little F.T’s up with a smile of course. Thank goodness by 6h15 they are all gone again for the game drive into the crater which meant back to bed for us- fantastic post drinking babelaas control…I call it responsible drifters guiding. The worst thing about Simba camp is that there were no trees where we were and by 9 in the morning you are kucking off from the heat. 

Being good Drifters guides we start taking the F.T’s tents down for them, but this is when the real babelaas hits- standing in the sun, sweating your gat off, mouth tastes like a hyena slept in it etc etc, we have all been there- the price you pay. Then the little F.T’s come back and the first thing you get after saying ‘how was it’ is “I didn’t like it because there were so many cars”- remember that I still have babelaas and have run to the crapper three times this morning and am not in the mood for another F.T complaining about the park being so full, but the smile comes on and you look all sympathetic and try and make them feel all better about themselves- wow I love tourists.

P.S. - for those who have no knowledge of Drifters Taal: 

F.T. = Fun tourist, funny tourist but most importantly FUCKING TOURIST!!!

Have fun guys and girls

Regards

Dennis